When an Asian girl is stuck among her conventional ‘overseas’ Asian friends, she will find comments that will reflect the culture of the commentator’s origin.
Being an ‘out-there’, loud, frank, transparent and outspoken Indonesian born woman who has been living in Australia for 8 years, the comments I often get from friends and relatives are:
“You are a girl, behave like a girl.”
“Girls don’t do that, don’t say that kind of thing to a guy or in front of a guy (a.k.a you are not entitled to your own opinion if you are out on a date with a traditional Indonesian guy)
“You laugh so loud, that is so unfeminine.”
“You are strong for a girl.”
“You are too independent, guys like girls who depend on them.”
“If you want a good guy, behave like a good girl. (The definition of a good girl here has nothing to do with the law or not doing drugs, but more like a timid sweet soft-spoken lady)
My question is: Can you determine a woman’s feminity by looking at her outside appearance (including clothes, words and laughter) or her behaviour around her friends, how she carries herself or even personality?
To answer that question, answer this one first: Can you determine that someone is colour blind by looking at that person’s eyes with naked eyes?
I’ll give you a hint to answer my initial question. The hint is a phrase that goes like this: Don’t judge a book by its cover
A cover might give you an idea of what the content of the book might be, however, when you actually read a book, you often find a broad range of ideas and thoughts compiled inside it and at the end of your reading, often, the cover of the book does not justify its content.
Let me take you to the DVD cover of the Titanic.. Beautiful Kate and Leo are standing with each other and look very happy. It gives an impression that the story might be about an everlasting love story of a couple who meet in the notorious Titanic ship.
Too bad, Leo died… they did not live happily ever after with each other after all.
By this stage, you are probably wondering, “what on earth is this girl trying to say?”
What I would like to stress out is that a glowing red apple might have a tiny crawling worm inside it. The weird looking Durian is a fruit that is both hated by many and loved by others. Therefore, do not label me and other people based on what you guess we are… before you get to know me.. a.k.a looking into my heart, my brain and my mind.
Can you actually define a woman’s feminity by what she does or how she carries herself in public or how she dresses?
I clean up, I cook, I love shopping, I am emotional at times, I wear make-up, I wear skirts a lot in summer and love skirts, I love children and get along with them, I want to have children and don’t mind being a housewife and actually I think that I will be a good future housewife (‘cos I know how to take care of my house and manage the payments and maintenance and I see my future spouse is the head of the family despite the notion of feminity and equality. To me, a man is still a leader for my family.
(A leader takes others ideas and makes the final decision while not forcing others into implying it if the circumstances make it impossible. A leader is someone who is able to see beyond his personal opinions and see the bigger picture)
Compare me to a girl who wears luxurious bags, a lot of pink and flowery items, high heels, designer jeans, nods in agreement with everything that people say in public and ‘sympathize’ to your problems but then talks behind your back in a terrorizing menace, and laughs quietly but uses the F word constantly and cannot cook, sew and refuse to acknowledge that her partner has a point of view too, who stands for feminism and gender equality but sees herself as the more righteous and stronger one.
And the truth is… the word feminine comes from the word femme, which means female. (Surprise surprise!)
Get my point?
I am not saying that I am more feminine than my example. She would have some feminine traits too, just like me, but some are stronger and some are weaker.
My point is I dislike labeling and people telling me to change who I am to get a boyfriend. Because most of the time, what they tell me to change is the way I laugh, the way I talk (not what I talk about), and my ability to befriend my opposite sex and often called ‘one of the guys’.
It is not my bad character traits that they tell me to change. If someone tells me that there is a negative trait that I possess that will put me in a danger zone of being suicidal and hazardously hurting other people by purposely doing bad things to them, I will introspect and sure that I will have a gradual change with the help of the God.
But if who I am hurts others simply because I am not what they expect me to be or want me to be? I’ll tell the people to start learning not to judge others and be accepting like it is often preached by spiritual and worldly gurus.
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I don’t see how my daily behaviour can determine what kind of person I am inside and who I really am. Of course, it gives a certain indication. The problem is.. behaviour can be learned, practiced, taught, copied and is often influenced by culture.
There is this phrase in Indonesian called “Jaga Image” which literally means maintaining one’s image.
What is an image? The Thesaurus’s synonyms include: appearance, look, persona and the way you are seen.
Why would I want to fake my personality and outside appearance only to find out that when my true-self emerge during my unguarded moments, people see me as a faker and question who I really am?
I might sound harsh but I am a strong believer on allowing people to be who they are, to be content with their personality and let their personality brings the best of them for the sake of helping others in any way. I believe that it is okay to be who you are, for you to make mistakes and turn your weakness and negative traits into your strength.
Because overall, we are all imperfect humans.
I read a book called: “How to deal with annoying people.”
There was something like this: “We get annoyed with people who does not behave, share the same values with us or think like we do.”
I think the subject here is that narrow-minded makes you annoyed with others different than you. If you are wondering why the terrorists, KKK, racism and sexism, among others, exist…. The answer is that narrow-minded sucks out peace from this world.
I do not believe in maintaining my image based on the world’s perspective on what a person’s image should be. Because it is different between each culture. In most Western world, discussions and freedom of speech is okay. In most of traditional Eastern culture, a younger person or a woman is taught to agree on what the older or a man says.
(Of course, most Western countries have experienced many revolutions and demonstrations such as feminism and the freedom of speech campaign, which develop the present Western culture)
Character and personality, on the other hand, will describe more of the real you. The thing is it takes time to know a person’s true self because it takes an awful lot of time for someone to know who they are, let alone learn about someone, if that person does not say anything about themselves.
Well, to me, following a human defined image is bad for me because it endangers me into being a narrow-minded person and most of all, strays away from my true identity in God’s eyes.
I’m only sticking to God's image, my identity in Him and my image in His eyes... that way, I know that I will never be wrong despite what the society says. I do not care if you hate the Muslims due to a group that calls themselves fighters for God and bring the name of their religions… But I still love my Muslim friends and others who have nothing to do with the group.
Because, they are humans and it is unfair to hate them based on what a group does.
Even in Christianity, such differences in spiritual values exist. Various cults emerged and their teachings contradict the bible, the true essence of Christianity. They believe in enjoying sex with anyone including small children. To me, it is obscene because young children are not mature enough to make their own decisions and that should not be taken by advantage by anyone.
We fight and we argue about all the differences in basically everything in life. Why can’t we just accept the differences and hope that the truth will emerge and wins? If you think you are right, let it be because there is no point of me forcing you to say that you are wrong when you don’t believe it in your heart. I will try to give you advices but if you don’t follow it… it’s your choice… Your future will be determined by your choice anyway and you are entitled to make it the way it wants to be. I just hope that no one I know goes to the wrong road.
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